I'm a mom who lost and found her joy.
I loved spending time with my kids. I was enjoying building blocks, making cookies going to playgrounds. I didn’t even mind listening to my kids talk about Youtube videos. I didn’t always get the laundry done and dinners were sometimes cereal. But, I’ve always really loved making memories with my kids. I knew deep in my core that play is the glue of connection between parents and kids. We played hard together and laughed a lot.
Then, I had a surprise pregnancy which ended as a miscarriage at 10 weeks and lots of grief. Lonely. This happened while my husband was deployed and I had three kids 8, 7, and 2.5. They needed me to carry on. I did carry on.
I kept planning all the things. I went to the playground but counted the minutes. I didn’t enjoy myself. I knew I wanted my kids to have great memories. I kept myself soo busy I didn’t have time to breathe. I just remember the slog. I didn't laugh. I didn’t want to play anymore.
One day a year later, my husband stopped me as I was going out the door for groceries and said, “You’re never happy anymore.”
I wanted to run away, curl up with chocolate, and ugly cry. I drove to a parking lot, after getting a gluten-free cupcake and called a friend. I'm not sure how she understood what I was trying to say between big sobs. She told me I wasn’t alone. That’s what I needed to hear. I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t messing it all up. There was hope to smile again, there was room to grow.
Slowly I added tiny daily habits to my day to bring me back to life. I found a system to read the good books and to take action. I put sticky notes everywhere and set alarms on my phone that drove my family crazy.
No parenting book alone could help me find this joy and love in my life. I don’t doubt anymore that I’m the right mom for my kids, I know I am.
I want to help moms who are faking joy of motherhood, find it again by taking care of themselves first.